I don't really look back too fondly on high school. Some people do; I think they're nuts. I have more fond memories of elementary and middle school than high school. I didn't even get picked on when I was in high school, either. I am not sure what it is about the high school era that makes me not really look back at it and think, Wow, what great times we had back then. I think I have just grown up a bit. Just a bit.
One thing I did back in those days was join the track & field team. Why? I don't know, really. I think it was mainly because I had a couple of friends who were already on the school cross country team, and they convinced me to run track. Plus, there were no tryouts so I was in no danger of hurting my self-esteem because I knew I wouldn't get cut.
I used to be decent, back in the day. I wasn't a superstar and I couldn't really compete with out-of-city private school athletic powerhouses, but the city league? I was decent. I've smoked a few guys in my day.
Also, back when I was in seventh grade, I posted a 12.24 in the 100 meters. I think that's decent for a 12 year old who didn't work out or train at all. I just got thrown in there and ran it cold, coasting to victory on pure talent and desire. I was a kid who peaked pretty early. I don't think I grew more than an inch or two between eighth grade and the end of high school. (I was also an amazingly powerful student academically in elementary/middle school, but only a decent high school student. I was a mediocre college student, but that may have had more to do with incurable high school senioritis than anything else.)
Sometimes, I look back and wish I never ran track back in high school. All that running messed up my knees. I had a couple of minor knee injuries and now I can't jump at all. I think Adonal Foyle can jump higher than me - that's how crappy I am in terms of self-propelled vertical elevation.
Oh yeah, and the head coach was a straight-up jerkwad. I hated him so much. Even today, thinking about him just gets my blood boiling. I remember my last year on the track team, in my junior year, I was part of the 4x400m relay team. (It's the race where each team has four members, and each member runs one lap before handing the baton to the next member.)
Well, this particular time, I had a handoff with a teammate that wasn't so smooth. After the race, the coach chewed me out like hell in public. I mean, I just finished my part, and was catching my breath on the sidelines, and he just towered over me and started cursing and screaming at me at the top of his lungs. The race wasn't even over and the dude was already swearing at me loud enough so that people in the audience could hear, as well as the other teams and coaches. I thought it was pretty humiliating.
I really wanted to punch that asshole in the face. I don't know why the hell I didn't. It's one thing to chew someone out when he makes a mistake, but the asshole was saying stuff like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're shit!!" so that everyone could hear. I don't enjoy it when people talk to me like that and that sure isn't going to motivate me to try harder next time. Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking piece of meat, or a robot trained to run your fucking races, you child molester. Boy, I wish I had said that. Instead, I just sat there on the grass inside the track and blinked back my tears like a passive fucking Asian male while dozens of people watched in amazement.
I think that incident in particular changed me. That's the last time I can recall when someone was saying personally insulting things to me and I just sat back and took it. Nowadays, I will talk back or use my fists to retaliate. That incident in high school just used up my lifetime allotment of self-control. I don't think I have the patience or the willpower to let people talk shit to me like that without responding in kind. I need to learn how to turn the other cheek; sometimes I feel like I already know how to, but just choose not to do it. I would rather just return the hatred.
Even now, when I encounter a terrible driver when I'm going for a walk or driving myself, my first reaction is to curse or give him or her the middle finger. Sometimes, when I am walking, and a car cuts me off as I am about to cross the street, I will spit on the car as it passes in front of me. On a couple occasions I have banged on a car as it drove past me. I feel like a walking time bomb, ready to explode at any given moment.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't hate. A Christian shouldn't be hating on people. We need to be showing the love. But it's so hard not to hate. I guess I am just not a very good person in my heart. Seriously, though - if I ever saw this asshole again, and he got shot in his femoral artery, I'd probably wait ten or fifteen minutes before I called the paramedics. I would shed no tears if he died painfully. In fact, I would laugh and tell jokes. Nothing against him personally. I just hate him, that's all. He wouldn't be the first person I've hated who actually died, and then I told jokes and laughed about the fact that he died.
What's ridiculous is that now that I interact with children on a regular basis, and sometimes I see kids getting picked on. In my heart, I want to tell the kid being picked on, "Don't be a pussy. Stand up for yourself. Next time that jackass calls you 'stupid,' punch him in the mouth."
But I never do. I always end up just taking the offender to the side and preaching about how it's horrible to call people hurtful names, and how we should all get along or something. Sometimes when I'm talking, it doesn't even feel like me. I'm saying one thing and in my mind, I am thinking Okay, what is this nonsense you're spewing to this kid?
A couple of days ago, these two fourth grade girls got into some kind of dispute. Both of them are generally sweet kids, so it was kind of unexpected. Basically, what happened was that I was about to lead a game of capture the flag, so I had everyone sit down on the benches so I could organize the teams. Well, this one girl was playing with a rubber ball (after I had told her not to) and the ball accidentally hit the second girl's head. The second girl got upset at the first girl (obviously) and said something mean to her, and in response the first girl said something sarcastic and gave some "attitude." This caused the second girl to cry. Oh, and there was also a crowd of about a dozen other kids who were paying attention to this. (The other half was getting ready to hide their flag for the game.)
It's tough to ignore crying so I stepped in. I basically got both of the two girls together, and then I just lectured them both. It was absurd. I still remember some of the words and phrases I used...
It was something like, "First of all, [Girl One], you should not have been playing with the ball in the first place because I told you not to. I think you made a mistake here. [Girl Two], I certainly understand why you are upset; I would be upset, too. But still, it was an accident and [Girl One] was not trying to be mean on purpose. I'm not saying you overreacted, but she wasn't out to hurt you, so I hope you understand that. Now, I would like to get this game underway because the rest of your classmates are waiting to begin. I'm not your dad so I am not going to say you HAVE to shake hands, apologize, be friends, whatever. It's up to you. I hope you guys can settle this in a mature way."
That doesn't sound like something Dru Tan would say. Nope. I wanted to laugh while I was talking. I couldn't believe that was me. It was like I was on autopilot. Didn't have to think about anything as I was saying it, so I was just analyzing my own words. It all sounded so phony and cliched to me. I remember when teachers lectured me about stuff like that when I was a kid, I never paid it any heed. I still hated the kids who wronged me. So it's just useless whenever I give one of those spiels to kids.
Surprisingly, though, I saw both girls quietly talk things out. The first girl apologized - and I could tell it was sincere (because of her tone of voice, eyes, and body language), not one of those cheap token apologies kids usually offer so they won't get into more trouble than they already are. Also surprisingly, the second girl actually seemed to accept the apology, because the tears stopped coming and she nodded understandingly and said that it was "okay." A few minutes later, they both seemed all right with each other to me, and played capture the flag.
I was going to laugh because I was still feeling sinister, but I held off on that and just played the game.
I wish, sometimes, that I would have tried out for basketball and football and soccer instead of doing track. I wonder if my life would have been any different.
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