I don't really look back too fondly on high school. Some people do; I think they're nuts. I have more fond memories of elementary and middle school than high school. I didn't even get picked on when I was in high school, either. I am not sure what it is about the high school era that makes me not really look back at it and think, Wow, what great times we had back then. I think I have just grown up a bit. Just a bit.
One thing I did back in those days was join the track & field team. Why? I don't know, really. I think it was mainly because I had a couple of friends who were already on the school cross country team, and they convinced me to run track. Plus, there were no tryouts so I was in no danger of hurting my self-esteem because I knew I wouldn't get cut.
I used to be decent, back in the day. I wasn't a superstar and I couldn't really compete with out-of-city private school athletic powerhouses, but the city league? I was decent. I've smoked a few guys in my day.
Also, back when I was in seventh grade, I posted a 12.24 in the 100 meters. I think that's decent for a 12 year old who didn't work out or train at all. I just got thrown in there and ran it cold, coasting to victory on pure talent and desire. I was a kid who peaked pretty early. I don't think I grew more than an inch or two between eighth grade and the end of high school. (I was also an amazingly powerful student academically in elementary/middle school, but only a decent high school student. I was a mediocre college student, but that may have had more to do with incurable high school senioritis than anything else.)
Sometimes, I look back and wish I never ran track back in high school. All that running messed up my knees. I had a couple of minor knee injuries and now I can't jump at all. I think Adonal Foyle can jump higher than me - that's how crappy I am in terms of self-propelled vertical elevation.
Oh yeah, and the head coach was a straight-up jerkwad. I hated him so much. Even today, thinking about him just gets my blood boiling. I remember my last year on the track team, in my junior year, I was part of the 4x400m relay team. (It's the race where each team has four members, and each member runs one lap before handing the baton to the next member.)
Well, this particular time, I had a handoff with a teammate that wasn't so smooth. After the race, the coach chewed me out like hell in public. I mean, I just finished my part, and was catching my breath on the sidelines, and he just towered over me and started cursing and screaming at me at the top of his lungs. The race wasn't even over and the dude was already swearing at me loud enough so that people in the audience could hear, as well as the other teams and coaches. I thought it was pretty humiliating.
I really wanted to punch that asshole in the face. I don't know why the hell I didn't. It's one thing to chew someone out when he makes a mistake, but the asshole was saying stuff like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're shit!!" so that everyone could hear. I don't enjoy it when people talk to me like that and that sure isn't going to motivate me to try harder next time. Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking piece of meat, or a robot trained to run your fucking races, you child molester. Boy, I wish I had said that. Instead, I just sat there on the grass inside the track and blinked back my tears like a passive fucking Asian male while dozens of people watched in amazement.
I think that incident in particular changed me. That's the last time I can recall when someone was saying personally insulting things to me and I just sat back and took it. Nowadays, I will talk back or use my fists to retaliate. That incident in high school just used up my lifetime allotment of self-control. I don't think I have the patience or the willpower to let people talk shit to me like that without responding in kind. I need to learn how to turn the other cheek; sometimes I feel like I already know how to, but just choose not to do it. I would rather just return the hatred.
Even now, when I encounter a terrible driver when I'm going for a walk or driving myself, my first reaction is to curse or give him or her the middle finger. Sometimes, when I am walking, and a car cuts me off as I am about to cross the street, I will spit on the car as it passes in front of me. On a couple occasions I have banged on a car as it drove past me. I feel like a walking time bomb, ready to explode at any given moment.
Yeah, I know I shouldn't hate. A Christian shouldn't be hating on people. We need to be showing the love. But it's so hard not to hate. I guess I am just not a very good person in my heart. Seriously, though - if I ever saw this asshole again, and he got shot in his femoral artery, I'd probably wait ten or fifteen minutes before I called the paramedics. I would shed no tears if he died painfully. In fact, I would laugh and tell jokes. Nothing against him personally. I just hate him, that's all. He wouldn't be the first person I've hated who actually died, and then I told jokes and laughed about the fact that he died.
What's ridiculous is that now that I interact with children on a regular basis, and sometimes I see kids getting picked on. In my heart, I want to tell the kid being picked on, "Don't be a pussy. Stand up for yourself. Next time that jackass calls you 'stupid,' punch him in the mouth."
But I never do. I always end up just taking the offender to the side and preaching about how it's horrible to call people hurtful names, and how we should all get along or something. Sometimes when I'm talking, it doesn't even feel like me. I'm saying one thing and in my mind, I am thinking Okay, what is this nonsense you're spewing to this kid?
A couple of days ago, these two fourth grade girls got into some kind of dispute. Both of them are generally sweet kids, so it was kind of unexpected. Basically, what happened was that I was about to lead a game of capture the flag, so I had everyone sit down on the benches so I could organize the teams. Well, this one girl was playing with a rubber ball (after I had told her not to) and the ball accidentally hit the second girl's head. The second girl got upset at the first girl (obviously) and said something mean to her, and in response the first girl said something sarcastic and gave some "attitude." This caused the second girl to cry. Oh, and there was also a crowd of about a dozen other kids who were paying attention to this. (The other half was getting ready to hide their flag for the game.)
It's tough to ignore crying so I stepped in. I basically got both of the two girls together, and then I just lectured them both. It was absurd. I still remember some of the words and phrases I used...
It was something like, "First of all, [Girl One], you should not have been playing with the ball in the first place because I told you not to. I think you made a mistake here. [Girl Two], I certainly understand why you are upset; I would be upset, too. But still, it was an accident and [Girl One] was not trying to be mean on purpose. I'm not saying you overreacted, but she wasn't out to hurt you, so I hope you understand that. Now, I would like to get this game underway because the rest of your classmates are waiting to begin. I'm not your dad so I am not going to say you HAVE to shake hands, apologize, be friends, whatever. It's up to you. I hope you guys can settle this in a mature way."
That doesn't sound like something Dru Tan would say. Nope. I wanted to laugh while I was talking. I couldn't believe that was me. It was like I was on autopilot. Didn't have to think about anything as I was saying it, so I was just analyzing my own words. It all sounded so phony and cliched to me. I remember when teachers lectured me about stuff like that when I was a kid, I never paid it any heed. I still hated the kids who wronged me. So it's just useless whenever I give one of those spiels to kids.
Surprisingly, though, I saw both girls quietly talk things out. The first girl apologized - and I could tell it was sincere (because of her tone of voice, eyes, and body language), not one of those cheap token apologies kids usually offer so they won't get into more trouble than they already are. Also surprisingly, the second girl actually seemed to accept the apology, because the tears stopped coming and she nodded understandingly and said that it was "okay." A few minutes later, they both seemed all right with each other to me, and played capture the flag.
I was going to laugh because I was still feeling sinister, but I held off on that and just played the game.
I wish, sometimes, that I would have tried out for basketball and football and soccer instead of doing track. I wonder if my life would have been any different.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Linking Up
When I was stopped at a red light today, I noticed an interesting sight. There was a bus stop on the corner right next to me and there were maybe six or eight people waiting. Two people in particular stood out. Both of them were playing with their own Nintendo DS.
One was this Asian dude with thick glasses. He wore a backpack and looked like a scruffy college student. His hair was unkempt, almost as though he was so busy playing Dungeons & Dragons that he had no time for grooming.
The other DS player was this white girl who looked about the same age. She was... Let's just say she was extremely homely. I am not really in a mean mood tonight, so I won't say the doctor beat her down with the ugly stick when she came out of her mom or anything like that.
What was interesting to me was that they were both highly engrossed in their DSes. They were standing at least a good 10 feet apart from each other. The bus stop shelter was between them, and the dude was standing closer to the curb while the girl was standing deeper into the sidewalk, near the corner gas station.
I just imagined them linking up their handheld systems and playing games with each other - or maybe using PictoChat to engage in a lovely conversation. Two lonely looking people finding love at a bus stop while playing their Nintendo DSes. What could possibly be more awesome than that?
They were just so into their electronic devices. It fascinated me. The whole time I was stopped, I was just staring at them both, and they didn't look up a single time. They had no concerns. They didn't care about the bus, they weren't worried about a crazy driver crashing into the sidewalk, they didn't even blink or breathe extraneously. They were just focused on each other.
When two people who look like they have nothing in common with each other and just seem like complete opposites... When two people like that get together... Man, that's amazing, is what it is. Just full-blown, in-your-face romantic.
This one time back in Davis, I was buying some lunch at the coffeehouse and the chick at at the cash register had really hairy arms. They were intense. I couldn't help but wonder how hairy our kids would be. I thought about asking her what she thought about that. But I ended up just paying and not saying anything.
And that was the closest I've ever been to linking up with true love.
One was this Asian dude with thick glasses. He wore a backpack and looked like a scruffy college student. His hair was unkempt, almost as though he was so busy playing Dungeons & Dragons that he had no time for grooming.
The other DS player was this white girl who looked about the same age. She was... Let's just say she was extremely homely. I am not really in a mean mood tonight, so I won't say the doctor beat her down with the ugly stick when she came out of her mom or anything like that.
What was interesting to me was that they were both highly engrossed in their DSes. They were standing at least a good 10 feet apart from each other. The bus stop shelter was between them, and the dude was standing closer to the curb while the girl was standing deeper into the sidewalk, near the corner gas station.
I just imagined them linking up their handheld systems and playing games with each other - or maybe using PictoChat to engage in a lovely conversation. Two lonely looking people finding love at a bus stop while playing their Nintendo DSes. What could possibly be more awesome than that?
They were just so into their electronic devices. It fascinated me. The whole time I was stopped, I was just staring at them both, and they didn't look up a single time. They had no concerns. They didn't care about the bus, they weren't worried about a crazy driver crashing into the sidewalk, they didn't even blink or breathe extraneously. They were just focused on each other.
When two people who look like they have nothing in common with each other and just seem like complete opposites... When two people like that get together... Man, that's amazing, is what it is. Just full-blown, in-your-face romantic.
This one time back in Davis, I was buying some lunch at the coffeehouse and the chick at at the cash register had really hairy arms. They were intense. I couldn't help but wonder how hairy our kids would be. I thought about asking her what she thought about that. But I ended up just paying and not saying anything.
And that was the closest I've ever been to linking up with true love.
Friday, October 12, 2007
No Ordinary Meeting
For the past couple months, I've been doing some volunteering in a lab at a hospital in San Francisco. Usually there isn't anything too exciting or special that is going on, but my visit this past Tuesday was different.
The start of the day, I was assigned by the lab manager to do some computer work for her, nothing out of the ordinary. I completed the work in the afternoon, but the lab manager was nowhere to be found. She often disappears mysteriously whenever I need to talk to her. Of course I'm sure she is doing something important. So I decided to leave her a note that I had completed the assigned work and go on my merry way back to my Aunt's house in Daly City.
Before I left the lab, I passed by a room and saw a lady, named Agnes, who I had met about a month ago. After exchanging greetings, we soon began a conversation that I thought would only last a few minutes. She asked me what I wanted to do career wise, and I mentioned how I was looking into clinical lab sciences. Agnes responded with positive comments on how that was a good profession, and soon proceeded to mention something about doing work for God's glory. I surmised from her speech and the poem on her desk about God that she might be a Christian. I then asked her directly, "Are you a Christian?" And she responded in the affirmative. I acknowledged that I was a Christian as well.
I soon find Agnes giving me a couple of booklets, and I was a bit suspicious at first. Somehow she began to talk some theology about providence and election. She was saying some good things, nothing contrary to what I believed. However, I still wanted to take a look at the booklets she gave me. During the conversation, I looked down at the booklets, and she noticed. She then mentioned how those were good books, and how God used that man to help her healing of past trials. Agnes told me that I should go to his website desiringgod.org for more resources. !!! That's John Piper's website! And so I go on and mention to her that I'm going to Piper's conference in Sacramento this coming weekend, and it just so happens that she is too! Whoa, what about that huh?
I'm beginning to think that Agnes is right, that our meeting was not a coincidence. If I had not seen her then, I may have never seen her again, since she told me how she had a new job in southern California starting in about a week or two. I had not really given too much thought to the conference, as I just decided to go since the conference was in sac (I've never really been too fired up about conferences). But all of a sudden, I'm a bit more intrigued now. We'll see what God has in store this weekend.
The start of the day, I was assigned by the lab manager to do some computer work for her, nothing out of the ordinary. I completed the work in the afternoon, but the lab manager was nowhere to be found. She often disappears mysteriously whenever I need to talk to her. Of course I'm sure she is doing something important. So I decided to leave her a note that I had completed the assigned work and go on my merry way back to my Aunt's house in Daly City.
Before I left the lab, I passed by a room and saw a lady, named Agnes, who I had met about a month ago. After exchanging greetings, we soon began a conversation that I thought would only last a few minutes. She asked me what I wanted to do career wise, and I mentioned how I was looking into clinical lab sciences. Agnes responded with positive comments on how that was a good profession, and soon proceeded to mention something about doing work for God's glory. I surmised from her speech and the poem on her desk about God that she might be a Christian. I then asked her directly, "Are you a Christian?" And she responded in the affirmative. I acknowledged that I was a Christian as well.
I soon find Agnes giving me a couple of booklets, and I was a bit suspicious at first. Somehow she began to talk some theology about providence and election. She was saying some good things, nothing contrary to what I believed. However, I still wanted to take a look at the booklets she gave me. During the conversation, I looked down at the booklets, and she noticed. She then mentioned how those were good books, and how God used that man to help her healing of past trials. Agnes told me that I should go to his website desiringgod.org for more resources. !!! That's John Piper's website! And so I go on and mention to her that I'm going to Piper's conference in Sacramento this coming weekend, and it just so happens that she is too! Whoa, what about that huh?
I'm beginning to think that Agnes is right, that our meeting was not a coincidence. If I had not seen her then, I may have never seen her again, since she told me how she had a new job in southern California starting in about a week or two. I had not really given too much thought to the conference, as I just decided to go since the conference was in sac (I've never really been too fired up about conferences). But all of a sudden, I'm a bit more intrigued now. We'll see what God has in store this weekend.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Simple Pleasures
Job satisfaction is tough to attain. It always feels like other people aren't satisfied with the job I've done.
I made two kids cry over a span of three days last week.
The first kid cried because I got stern with him. This is a kid that I think most people would consider a bully. He is in second grade, but kind of big (portly) for his age. He has difficulties with the English language, so he lags behind his peers significantly. I don't know if he tries to compensate for his scholastic difficulties by intimidating other kids, but I constantly get complaints about his behavior.
Other kids tell me (and I see him do this) that the portly kid stole their ball. Or they will tell me he called them a mean name, or that he kicked their ball away while they were playing with it, or that he pushed someone. The list goes on. I have scolded him numerous times and lectured him about getting along with others. (LOL, can you picture ME lecturing a child on behavioral issues?!)
There have been occasions where I have lectured this kid and benched him, and then less than five minutes after he gets off the bench, I catch him doing the exact thing I benched him for in the first place. It's like this kid's skull is just too thick and he doesn't understand how to respect authority or his peers.
Well, this one day last week, he pushed me too far. I was leading a group activity of steal the bacon, and he pushed someone off the bench while I was about to pick teams. I must've been in a bad mood that day because I just chose to bench him for the duration of the activity.
During the game of steal the bacon, I had another controversy with another boy - he had found a ball and wanted to play with it during the game, and I asked him to give me the ball so no one would be distracted. He got upset and started to run away. As he began to run from me, the portly boy on the bench screamed, "Run away! Keep running!" And of course the kid ran away from me.
He ended up hiding behind the bungalow, which really annoyed me because I had to stop the game and I wasn't able to supervise the rest of the kids out there. (I was the only adult in the yard at the time.) That's just not cool, man. It's potentially dangerous and just a situation you want to avoid - not being able to have anyone supervise the kids.
I ended up defusing that situation fairly quickly, but I was super annoyed by the portly kid, whom I discovered had run off in the confusion to another part of the yard. That pissed me off even more. And of course, little kids have short attention spans, so the fact that I was gone from Steal the Bacon for 3 minutes killed the game entirely. I just let them have free play and do whatever they wanted.
Except for the portly kid.
I told him to go back inside to the cafeteria (that's where we run the program and do homework and stuff) and sit out the entire recess. I saw him go towards the school building... But he tried to hide in the stairway. (Portly kids have pathetic ninja stealth abilities.)
I can't have kids running around unsupervised in the building. I yelled at him to come back to me and just started chewing him out. I don't really remember what I said exactly. Just that he was doing something stupid and dangerous and disrespectful. I did my best to give him my Batman voice, too. I was laying it on THICK, for real, and just going all out with that gruff, take-no-crap tone of voice.
He got kind of scared, and tried to defend himself and explain what he was doing, but I was having none of that. I just growled at him and told him that the time for excuses was over and he needed to take responsibility for his own actions. (Possibly my exact words, which is likely why he didn't understand me due to his limited vocabulary. Oh, well. I was feeling righteous.)
Man, once I started snarling at him, he just broke down. He lost his will to talk back to me and tears just started coming out. I don't know if I had ever seen him cry before. But I've sure seen him make other people cry. He just doesn't know how to learn a lesson. I like to think I was was teaching him a lesson right there. I was kind of surprised because I wasn't really TRYING to make him cry. It was just sort of an added bonus.
The second kid I made cry was a totally different situation. This first grade boy loves to play football. On Friday, I had played with him and a few other kids for over an hour. After that long, I just got tired of it and decided to take a break. But this kid kept coming up to me, begging me to play with him again. He wanted to practice running routes (which would have been pointless, as kids that age are not clever enough to learn route-running).
I just told him I'd had enough and didn't want to play any more. He kept tugging my arm. I told him to ask someone else to play with him. He replied that he didn't like playing with big kids (even though I am basically just a really big kid). I asked him to ask another staff member. He did, and my coworker said he didn't want to play, either. So the kid came back to me and kept yanking my arm.
You ever been relentlessly arm-yanked? It gets kind of annoying when it doesn't stop even after you tell the person doing it to cut it out. I told the kid that I'd be willing to play catch, but I didn't want to play one-man football. Unbelievably, this was an unacceptable compromise for him.
He kept yanking my arm and begging me to play. He even gave me the puppy dog face. I almost gave in at that point, but then I thought, "Gosh darn it, Captain America would not surrender, and neither will I!"
I was immovable. I was a sturdy tree, rooted firmly in the grass right next to the river of truth and justice.
Eventually, the young lad began to cry. It wasn't just one or two tears, either. They streamed out of his eyes. He even grabbed my hand and wiped his tears with my hand. A sob or two escaped his breath. He continued to pester me.
I would not surrender. That A on Cap's head doesn't stand for France, dammit.
Eventually, he gave up and walked away to sulk sadly by himself. I hope I toughened him up a bit. Kids should be playing with other kids their own age, anyway. It kind of makes me sad that I (unintentionally) had to make him cry, but hopefully he'll learn how to be a man. Because he does have athletic potential. He's just a first grader and I think he can catch a football better than some third graders. Who knows, maybe I'll have had a role in molding him for a future in a professional sports league.
Job satisfaction. I've got plenty of it.
I made two kids cry over a span of three days last week.
The first kid cried because I got stern with him. This is a kid that I think most people would consider a bully. He is in second grade, but kind of big (portly) for his age. He has difficulties with the English language, so he lags behind his peers significantly. I don't know if he tries to compensate for his scholastic difficulties by intimidating other kids, but I constantly get complaints about his behavior.
Other kids tell me (and I see him do this) that the portly kid stole their ball. Or they will tell me he called them a mean name, or that he kicked their ball away while they were playing with it, or that he pushed someone. The list goes on. I have scolded him numerous times and lectured him about getting along with others. (LOL, can you picture ME lecturing a child on behavioral issues?!)
There have been occasions where I have lectured this kid and benched him, and then less than five minutes after he gets off the bench, I catch him doing the exact thing I benched him for in the first place. It's like this kid's skull is just too thick and he doesn't understand how to respect authority or his peers.
Well, this one day last week, he pushed me too far. I was leading a group activity of steal the bacon, and he pushed someone off the bench while I was about to pick teams. I must've been in a bad mood that day because I just chose to bench him for the duration of the activity.
During the game of steal the bacon, I had another controversy with another boy - he had found a ball and wanted to play with it during the game, and I asked him to give me the ball so no one would be distracted. He got upset and started to run away. As he began to run from me, the portly boy on the bench screamed, "Run away! Keep running!" And of course the kid ran away from me.
He ended up hiding behind the bungalow, which really annoyed me because I had to stop the game and I wasn't able to supervise the rest of the kids out there. (I was the only adult in the yard at the time.) That's just not cool, man. It's potentially dangerous and just a situation you want to avoid - not being able to have anyone supervise the kids.
I ended up defusing that situation fairly quickly, but I was super annoyed by the portly kid, whom I discovered had run off in the confusion to another part of the yard. That pissed me off even more. And of course, little kids have short attention spans, so the fact that I was gone from Steal the Bacon for 3 minutes killed the game entirely. I just let them have free play and do whatever they wanted.
Except for the portly kid.
I told him to go back inside to the cafeteria (that's where we run the program and do homework and stuff) and sit out the entire recess. I saw him go towards the school building... But he tried to hide in the stairway. (Portly kids have pathetic ninja stealth abilities.)
I can't have kids running around unsupervised in the building. I yelled at him to come back to me and just started chewing him out. I don't really remember what I said exactly. Just that he was doing something stupid and dangerous and disrespectful. I did my best to give him my Batman voice, too. I was laying it on THICK, for real, and just going all out with that gruff, take-no-crap tone of voice.
He got kind of scared, and tried to defend himself and explain what he was doing, but I was having none of that. I just growled at him and told him that the time for excuses was over and he needed to take responsibility for his own actions. (Possibly my exact words, which is likely why he didn't understand me due to his limited vocabulary. Oh, well. I was feeling righteous.)
Man, once I started snarling at him, he just broke down. He lost his will to talk back to me and tears just started coming out. I don't know if I had ever seen him cry before. But I've sure seen him make other people cry. He just doesn't know how to learn a lesson. I like to think I was was teaching him a lesson right there. I was kind of surprised because I wasn't really TRYING to make him cry. It was just sort of an added bonus.
The second kid I made cry was a totally different situation. This first grade boy loves to play football. On Friday, I had played with him and a few other kids for over an hour. After that long, I just got tired of it and decided to take a break. But this kid kept coming up to me, begging me to play with him again. He wanted to practice running routes (which would have been pointless, as kids that age are not clever enough to learn route-running).
I just told him I'd had enough and didn't want to play any more. He kept tugging my arm. I told him to ask someone else to play with him. He replied that he didn't like playing with big kids (even though I am basically just a really big kid). I asked him to ask another staff member. He did, and my coworker said he didn't want to play, either. So the kid came back to me and kept yanking my arm.
You ever been relentlessly arm-yanked? It gets kind of annoying when it doesn't stop even after you tell the person doing it to cut it out. I told the kid that I'd be willing to play catch, but I didn't want to play one-man football. Unbelievably, this was an unacceptable compromise for him.
He kept yanking my arm and begging me to play. He even gave me the puppy dog face. I almost gave in at that point, but then I thought, "Gosh darn it, Captain America would not surrender, and neither will I!"
I was immovable. I was a sturdy tree, rooted firmly in the grass right next to the river of truth and justice.
Eventually, the young lad began to cry. It wasn't just one or two tears, either. They streamed out of his eyes. He even grabbed my hand and wiped his tears with my hand. A sob or two escaped his breath. He continued to pester me.
I would not surrender. That A on Cap's head doesn't stand for France, dammit.
Eventually, he gave up and walked away to sulk sadly by himself. I hope I toughened him up a bit. Kids should be playing with other kids their own age, anyway. It kind of makes me sad that I (unintentionally) had to make him cry, but hopefully he'll learn how to be a man. Because he does have athletic potential. He's just a first grader and I think he can catch a football better than some third graders. Who knows, maybe I'll have had a role in molding him for a future in a professional sports league.
Job satisfaction. I've got plenty of it.
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